July 10, 2012 2:09 p.m.
I am sitting her on my bed watching my hands shake. They won’t stop… but I wish they would, I think. What have I done to myself? I feel like I might pass out at any time. I took x laxatives last night and I’m
basica definitely paying for it now. I wanted to write something artistic and poetic but I don’t know how. Also, I am thinking how all my high school years mesh together. I can’t distinguish one from the other. I do remember first getting high though. It was the homecoming pep rally freshman year? And I went to this girls house beforehand thinking I was ~so cool~ (it could have been sophomore year though because I DON’T remember shit). Anyways, she found this pill by the computer and so we (me her and this other girl) went upstairs and we blew out noses and she crushed it and we snorted it then we went outside to smoke cigarettes and everything was in slow motion. Then we went to the pep rally and I don’t remember much and my grandparents picked me up after and we were in the car and they were saying how much they trusted me and I felt bad. Then when I got home I called one of my moms friends and I told her what I did and she didn’t judge me (thank god) and she also didn’t tell my mom. I kind of wished she did to be honest. Maybe I wouldn’t be like this today. I don’t blame her of course, I blame myself. I could have stopped. It could’ve just been a one time thing, but it wasn’t. Now I need pills, I crave them. It sucks nonetheless. I wished I’d never started. Because after I did I realized started noticing the medicine that my grandma took(she had shingles at the time and how a lot of pain pills) could get me high. I even remember what they were, I mean, how could I forget? Hydrocodone, valium and percocets 10 mg, the strongest. I never took the percs, only sold them, for some really good money. My grandma didn’t like them because they made her dizzy. (Which later she flushed them down the toilet and I wished she hadn’t because I could have made so much money from them). The hydros I took and the valium too and sometimes I sold them when I needed/wanted money. And now that I’m writng them down and going over it in my head it was definitely sopohomore year this all happened. My mom was in Iraq that year, hence why my grandparents picked me up… yeah.
Right now I don’t feel in it. I feel as if I’m looking at myself and I feel like I might faint. I also haven’t eaten since last night and I may be dehydrated a bit because of the laxatives. I don’t like myself. I’ve changed too much, especially in these 2 months of summer vacation. I can’t relate to anyone, not that I’ve really tried. But I tried to kill myself. I mean, people do change after something like that. Things really are not the same. Everything looks different, feels different… all the senses all amplified. It made me appreciate things but not in a good way. It just made me want to die more. And what I’ve noticed is that even when you’re at your lowest, the world keeps going and most people don’t notice. It almost as if I wanted people to notice, to help me the fuck out. People keep on living there lives though and I’m stuck in this kind of limbo. I don’t know where I am or where I’m going to go or if I’m going to survive.
But just to be blatantly honest, I’m not sure if I want to.