my heart hurts

I have literally liked you since the first time I saw you

I thought you looked like my ex bf, is that a bad sign????

But I will sound super creepy if i say that i miss you when we really had nothing and you have a new girl every. single. week.

I thought we connected somehow

….hm guess not 

I’ve written so much on this topic and even while I was on them, I’ve tried to explain myself but it’s so hard to understand when you’ve never taken them.

For me, it was such an enlightening thing. It made me see things in a different way. First, you have to take 8 of those bitches. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous and want to throw up. The main ingredient in ccc’s is Dextromethorphan or DXM which is a dissociation and psychedelic and makes you trip so bad. My first I literally didn’t know what to expect. My bestfriend did it and told me it was like speeding and take a hydro at the same time. It was totally different for me. At first you get extremely tired but you don’t want to fall asleep otherwise it will defeat the purpose of taking them. I was probably too scared I was going to die much less fall asleep while on them. Then everything around you changes. My body got really heavy and when I wanted to get up I felt like a robot. I literally had to take one step at a time or I might have just fallen. I really can’t explain it that well. Music is so orgasmic, it’s the only thing that calmed me down. I thought I was dying the first time I took them. I felt really disconnected from reality for the next day afterward and really tired and a real bitch. I haven’t done them in about a month though. The last time I did them I had this real fucked up epiphany that when I die, it’s just blackness and you forget everyone you ever knew and it’s just nothing and it scared the fuck out of me. Also, I’ve heard that TRIPLE C’S make your brain bleed. Keep in mind that DXM comes in many other forms. The bad things about ccc’s is that there is another ingredient in it that taken in high doses can kill you. So I think DXM by itself isn’t too harmful, maybe to your physiological well being though. This post was mainly for me so I can see all the horrible things it did to me and for me to not do it again. 

most days my heart feels heavy

more like my whole body

it’s this feeling in the deepest pit of my stomach 

like something bad is going to happen very soon, every second of every day

not one moment of solace

I feel like I need to cry all the time but if i start i’ll panic and it won’t ever stop

I feel sick and I want to stop feeling this way

I miss paytpn so fucking much ughughughugh]

i need someone to talk to beng that im on ccc’s i can’t function right now and i need her 

PLEASE COME BACK, I feel like im dyinh, as always 

But i had an epiphany tonight. I felt like i was dying and i never want to feel that way ever again. Like i was actaullh xying, There was this black thing that came 0ver me and i felt DEAD i hate what im becoming what i am. The point is that i have no faith in anything and when/if i die what will happen im just so scared 

I know, I messed up.

I fucked up this friendship pretty bad huh?

I think I did it because you weren’t paying attention to me anymore.

I needed something to happen, good or bad.

I always have this overwhelming feeling all over my body.

I hate having to depend on anybody, but I can’t help it.

It seems like it always has to be about me and I’m sorry.

Don’t you see you were the first one that ever cared about me?

I’m about to cry just thinking about it.

I don’t even know what I’m saying right now, only that I miss you and I need you and I’ll probably die without you.

Okay I just really need to write this down. I was thinking while listening to skinny love by bon iver that the first time I actually listened to it I related to it bc I was in a really bad place with my weight and whatnot and this sounds fucking dumb talking about it now but I’ve cried so many times to this song. But now that I’m listening to it, I think about the person I like a lot and it really resonates with me now… I don’t know where I’m really getting at with this okay wow

But ugh I just really want someone to love and be cute with already 

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I took an amphetamine today, immediately when I woke up. I really just wanted to have that speeding feeling, it’s amazing. I also wanted to feel social, happy, talkative, ect. 

The crash sucks. Whatever word is to the extreme of “sucked” thats the word I am looking for. I can’t really describe it other that I’m in a bad mood, cry for no reason, and really really want to die.

I got off of school early today so I went to my best friends house to hang out for a while. When I got there, she just got done having sex with her gf so I was just in a weirder mood than before. And it wasn’t until long that I found myself in her bathroom crying and having a panic attack. I texted her and said, “I think I’m having a mental breakdown.” All I wanted was for her to come in a comfort me and tell me everything was going to okay. But no. She kept telling me to come meet her but her gf was in there and it’s not like I don’t like her gf I just don’t want to talk to her about this kind of stuff. So I stayed in the bathroom for like 30 minutes just waiting for her to at least come see about me like jesus christ…. But she never did so I went to her room to go get my keys and such and they were making out like wow you can make out but now come see how your bestfriend, who is having a panic attack in your bathroom, is doing. So I was like fuck this I’m leaving and her excuse was, “My mom was bitching at me on the phone blah blah blah.” Tbh I didn’t even hear her talking on the phone. So as I’m leaving is when she wants to talk to me, like GD, I needed your help when I was in the middle of having a panic attack and now you want to talk??

Jesus christ, I want to be done with her. I help her out with everything. Even when she was having seizures all the time I was always RIGHT THERE.

Where the fuck are you now?